Adventures in Babysitting
by Chance2
Summary: The Atlanteans get a chance to improve their babysitting skills. Updated December 4, 2006 Chapter 5: the moment you've all been waiting for...Radek's turn!
1. Delegating

_Rating: K+ for slight coarse language._

_Season: Future _

_Category: AU, humor._

_Summary: The Atlanteans get a chance to improve their baby-sitting skills. A little McWeir, a smattering of Sheyla, and friendship with the whole gang. _

_Spoilers: None for now._

_Feedback: Always much appreciated. But please no comments about this chapter being sexist–everyone will have their chance to baby-sit. This is just meant to be harmless fun._

_Disclaimer: You know the drill. If I owned them, I wouldn't be in this tiny apartment._

_Notes: It's a miracle - a new story! This is something of a continuation of my 'New Arrival' series (which will hopefully be finished when I have a little time), featuring Rodney and Elizabeth's brand new addition. It would probably help to read that first. This has been sitting on my desk for quite some time, but real life has been intruding. What can you do? _

* * *

**Adventures in Baby-sitting**

Rodney's knock sounded at John's door. He knew it was McKay's knock by the franticness; everything about McKay was frantic these days.

The door opened on John's command and McKay rushed in, baby carrier in one hand, diaper bag in the other.

"Can you watch Josie?" the scientist's words tumbled out. "Just for an hour or so. I'm supposed to have her for the afternoon–Elizabeth's on that trade negotiation with Lorne's team–only there's an emergency in one of the labs, and I'd send Zelenka, but he has the flu, and the botanists are ready to strike if the chemists don't...well, I don't really know all the details, but I need to get down there now. And I wouldn't ask you but Teyla's on the mainland, and Carson's swamped in the infirmary, and I think Ronon would eat her or sell her for ammo or something." McKay finally took a short, gasping breath. "Please, Colonel."

It took John a moment to sort through everything Rodney had said. He'd been so transfixed by the warp speed at which McKay was babbling that he'd only just caught what was actually said.

"Watch Josie," he repeated for verification.

"Just for an hour. Or so."

John looked at the baby carrier which McKay had plunked on his desk. "What am I supposed to do with her?"

"Take her to a Yankee's game," McKay snapped. "Just watch her–make sure she continues breathing, change her, feed her." He rolled his hands encouragingly. "Please?"

"Well–"

McKay was already out the door. "Thanks!"

Sheppard set down his book with a sigh and edged over to the carrier to peer in. "What am I supposed to do with you?" he asked Josie.

She opened her tiny pink mouth in what began as a silent cry but quickly became audible and loud.

Very loud.

"Oh, shit," he said then cringed. "Sorry." He lifted her out of her carrier. She was only in his arms for a minute before he realized with an unpleasant start what the problem was. "Nope. I was right–oh, shit." He sighed heavily. "Now what?"

He set Josie back down again and began scavenging through the diaper bag McKay had left him.

"Diapers–check. Wipes–check." He rifled some more. "Geez, Jos, what didn't Papa Bear pack?" He surveyed the bounty of supplies. "Got everything. What to do, what to do?"

Josie briefly left off crying but soon started up again at a fever pitch.

"I know, I know," John said soothingly, scratching the side of his head pensively. "Dirty diapers are no fun." He chewed on his lip briefly before keying up his headset. "Lieutenant Cadman? It's Sheppard."

"_Yes, sir?_"

"Meet me outside my quarters, ASAP."

There was a pause. "_Sir?_"

"ASAP, Lieutenant."

"_Yes, sir_."

John rocked Josie's carrier gently until he heard a knock on his door.

"Colonel?"

"Come in, Cadman," he called, and the door opened, admitting Laura Cadman.

"Sir?"

"What do you know about babies, Lieutenant?"

Her eyes did a perfunctory soldiers sweep of the mess laid out on his bed. "Ah, baby-sitting duty."

John gestured helplessly at the diapers. "I don't know how to use those things."

Cadman grinned and grabbed the changing pad, spreading it out on the floor before laying Josie down on top. She quickly went through the motions, occasionally asking John for a supply.

John was fascinated by the conservation of movement and the subsequent speed with which Cadman changed Josie's diaper; it was like a one woman, baby pit-crew. As Cadman fastened the last Velcro tab, she grinned again and handed over the baby.

John whistled appreciatively. "The baby's smokin', Cadman."

Lieutenant Cadman laughed. "What teenage girl didn't baby-sit for pocket money?" She smoothed down Josie's fine hair and headed toward the door, toting the bag with the soiled diaper with her like an overly sensitive explosive. "I'll dump this in the trash. Have fun, Colonel."

"Thanks, Lieutenant," he called to her retreating back. Once he was sure she had gone, he looked down at Josie, who was quieting down nicely. "Now, how many people do you think I can pull that on before they start getting suspicious?" He smiled–only noon and already a good day's work of delegating put it.

"Come on, Baby McKay. Let's see if you and I can't find a Yankee's game."


	2. Hyperventilating

_Rating: K_

_Disclaimer: You know the drill – I don't own. Don't sue._

_Feedback: Always appreciated. I got some lovely comments for the first chapter so thank you all for that!_

_Notes: Teyla uses one contraction in this chapter. Don't freak. In this AU timeline she's lived with the Atlanteans for six or seven years; realistically speaking, their linguistic quirks would have snuck into her speech by that time – that's the whole reason I use the dreaded Midwestern 'pop'._

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Chapter 2: Hyperventilating

"Okay, see what he did there," John said, pointing to the television screen. "He tried the reverse again, but it's still not working." He shook his head, sighing heavily. "At this point, their best option is to pass it if they wanna get a first down."

Josie stared up at him from her place on his lap. She was situated as such that her head was pointed towards the television and couldn't actually _see_ the game, but John felt it important that she at least get the strategy down.

"Now, remember, young McKay," John said, leaning in. "A lot of people here in Atlantis will try to tell you nasty, evil things, such as 'hockey is better than football', 'soccer is the _real_ football', and 'American football players are mooks'; don't listen to them. Jealous, every last one of them. They don't understand the metaphorical significance of this game, which I have been diligently trying to convey for years now."

Josie's eyes slowly rolled back and her eyelids fluttered close just as John's team made their first down.

John shook his head again. "Such a McKay. No appreciation for God's greatest gift to humanity. After alcohol and jet engines, of course."

"John?" Teyla stuck her head in the recreation room. "I thought I heard your voice."

John gestured down at the small sleeping figure stretched out on his lap. "Teaching young Josie here the finer points of football."

"She appears to be asleep," Teyla pointed out with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, well, she takes after her parents," John amended. "How was the mainland?"

"The harvest is going well." Teyla took a seat on the couch next to him, reaching over to grab a handful of popcorn. "I thought Dr. McKay was watching Josie this afternoon."

"He was," John replied, eyes back on the game. "There was some sort of geek throw-down in one of the labs and he had to go play referee." He glanced at his watch. "That was two hours ago." He shot a grin at Teyla. "When he checked in twenty minutes ago, McKay said it was still pretty heated down there. Apparently, Katie Brown has taken those self-defense lessons Ronon was giving her to heart and bloodied Kavanaugh's nose."

Teyla chewed her popcorn thoughtfully. "Should you perhaps go down there and make sure everything is all right?"

John popped a couple of kernels in his mouth. "Nah. I trust McKay to settle things with his geeks." He spared a glance at the time. "I just hope it's soon; I'm supposed to run some training exercises in half an hour."

Teyla leaned over to smile at his charge. It was the soft, glowy smile that she reserved for Josie; it was the one that always worried him. It made him think that the pitter-patter of little feet might be in his future, and then he always had to go off and hyperventilate for awhile.

"I can watch her, if you would like," she offered. "Besides, Dr. McKay shouldn't be much longer, should he?"

"I don't know," John answered, watching Josie's chest rise and fall with each tiny breath. "Those scientists can be worse than hornets when they're riled. It could be all night."

"I do not mind," Teyla said, and John felt that sudden urge to reach for a paper bag washing over him again. She gently took Josie from off of his lap. The baby squirmed a little but didn't wake.

"I should go change," John announced, standing up to show off his jeans and t-shirt—appropriate for game watching and baby-sitting but not for running training exercises. He leaned down for a lingering kiss. "Later."

Teyla's lips curved up in the smile she reserved just for him, and another feeling washed over him: the one that reassured him that as long as it was with her, the pitter-patter of little feet might not be so bad.


	3. Sparring

Teyla could not get very far in the halls of Atlantis. As soon as John had left to run the soldier's training exercises and Josie had been fed, Teyla took her for a stroll around the city. It turned out to be a better idea in theory than practice. They could never get more than a few yards at a time without someone stopping them to coo at the baby. It was mostly scientists, although Teyla noticed the soldiers would make funny faces and tickle Josie under the chin when they thought no one was looking.

Teyla felt for the displaced Earthlings, millions of light years from their home world. She knew from experience that one did not undertake such an adventure unless one had little to keep them at home. These new Atlanteans (though Teyla had to admit they had been there a little too long to still be considered 'new') were not like her people—they had come to Atlantis not to escape or to survive but to learn and explore. And in doing so, they had foregone things like relationships, children, and homes of their own.

For the Atlanteans, Josie was a symbol of hope, that they too might find the same elusive happiness that Rodney and Elizabeth had found. Teyla did not blame them, then, for being drawn to Josie, but it made the simple act of walking difficult.

After finally extracting Josie (who, having grown bored with all the attention, had dozed off) from Drs. Chen and Miller, Teyla decided to take her down to the training rooms.

When she slipped in, John glanced at them and his smile widened. Teyla wasn't quite sure if it was because he was happy to see her or because her presence at the training sessions always made the soldiers 'pull out all the stops' as John called it. She figured it was probably a bit of both.

She rarely participated in their exercises unless she was drilling them on hand-to-hand techniques, but, on occasion, she liked to sit and watch. Especially, she found, when Ronon was involved. John always enjoyed running those training sessions. To him there was nothing quite as entertaining as seeing four Marines taken down by one man. She could never quite understand the rivalry that took place between the soldiers, but it was entertaining.

John plopped down on the bench next to Teyla and grinned at her. "First person to beat Ronon gets out of laundry duty for a month and gets to skip our dawn run tomorrow."

Teyla raised her eyebrows as another Marine hit the mat. "You think it is likely to happen?"

John smirked. "Nope."

Teyla shifted Josie slightly. The baby was still fast asleep. "That hardly seems fair."

John shrugged. "It's good practice, and they're getting better. Fitzgerald almost got the drop on him a little while ago."

Teyla smothered a laugh with a cough and a thoughtful frown. "We passed Lt. Fitzgerald being taken to the infirmary with a possible fractured ankle."

"I didn't say he succeeded."

"John, all your soldiers will be under the care of Dr. Beckett if they are not more careful."

"Oh, we're almost done here," said John with a dismissive wave. "At least half of them should be left standing...or at least conscious." He looked over to where one of the newer recruits was writhing on the mat and stood up with a clap. "Okay, guys! Take a water break. Back here in fifteen."

A universal groan went up from the soldiers. As they shuffled passed her, Teyla smiled encouragingly. They were lucky John only called these sort of training sessions once every few weeks.

Ronon stretched his long arms over his head with a satisfied smile. "Up for a round, Teyla?"

"I'm afraid I have a prior commitment," Teyla replied, rocking her charge gently.

Ronon grinned. "Sheppard?"

Teyla smiled sweetly at her companion. "You could use the practice."

"Funny," John drawled, but he grinned as well. He clapped his hands on his knees and stood up. "Okay, let's do this."

Ronon's grin slid into a happy smirk as he threw John a pair of fighting sticks. John caught them easily and twirled them in what he probably hoped was an impressive display. Ronon just shook his head and moved to the center of the training mat to square off.

Teyla watched with interest and, she had to admit, more than a little admiration, as the two men circled, occasionally striking out, testing each other.

John was the first to move, driving Ronon back a few steps. He turned into his next attack and managed to knock the Setedan soundly against the shoulder. Ronon acknowledged the hit with a feral smile and the two broke apart, circling one another again.

They had very different styles, Teyla thought as she watched them clash. John was fluid with an athletic sort of grace but his style was rough, undisciplined. He struck from the heart though, put his all into it.

_The way he does with everything_, Teyla thought with a fond smile.

Ronon was all power—crude and raw. He was unpredictable but well-skilled. When he fought, he had the look of a man who enjoyed the game, the hunt.

A few minutes into the match, as the Marines began to trickle back in, Teyla knew that this was a bad idea. Ronon's feral smile was a little too firmly in place and John was a little too distracted. She knew from experience that it was never wise to be distracted when sparring with Ronon. John knew it too if the look on his face was any indication. He made one last ditch effort, but Ronon ducked it and swept his feet from under him. John landed hard and very awkwardly.

"John?" Teyla said as she rushed over to him, trying not to jiggle her sleeping charge too much.

He pushed himself onto his back with a low groan.

Ronon and Teyla both leaned down to check on him.

"You okay?" Ronon asked.

"I think something popped," he replied slowly.

As he ponderously climbed to his feet, Teyla asked, "Is that a good idea?"

Pain flashed across his face and he said, "Nope", just as his knee buckled and he crashed to the floor again.

Teyla immediately handed Josie to an unsuspecting Ronon. She motioned to Sgt. McHale and the two helped John to stand, shouldering his weight between them.

"Ronon, please watch Josie while Sgt. McHale and I take Colonel Sheppard to the infirmary," Teyla said.

"And finish the training session," John called over his shoulder as he was helped out.

As the doors slid closed behind them, Teyla caught a last glimpse of a very bewildered Ronon surrounded by very amused Marines.

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A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews! Next up: Ronon's turn! Hey, if y'all have any ideas or suggestions about who you'd like to see babysit, let me know! 


	4. Teething

Title: Adventures in Babysitting

Rating: K+

Pairing: Not too much in this chapter but the story is mainly McKay/Weir with hints of John/Teyla

Spoilers: Um, through Season 2, although it's AU so that doesn't mean much.

A/N: Someone (I don't remember who) reminded me that I mentioned Ford in my previous story, "A New Arrival" and then he sort of disappeared. Well, he's back, on the assumption that he returned to Atlantis after some time away (though not discounting what happened in Season 2 with his character). But this is not his story; it's Ronon's, so on with the show!

* * *

Ronon made a face at his small charge. It didn't make him feel any better about the position he found himself in. Especially as the baby found it funny. Everyone seemed to be having a laugh at his expense.

He glared at the baby again. She smiled up at him and grabbed a dreadlock in one tiny fist.

"Don't," he warned, but she didn't release her grip.

Ronon held Josie up over his head until she was forced to let go of his hair. She smiled, showing off new teeth just starting to peek through. She apparently thought this was the funniest thing in the world.

Ronon sighed and brought her down, holding her so she was facing out and couldn't get a fistful of his hair again. He knew that everyone thought him green when it came to caring for children, but it wasn't the first time he had held a baby. He'd bet his whole weapon collection that he had more experience minding children than Dr. McKay.

"Aah," Josie said, seeming to agree with him.

Ronon couldn't resist a smile. She was pretty cute – she had her father's eyes and was showing hints of her mother's smile – but he'd gnaw off a limb before he'd admit that to McKay. He did not mind baby sitting – he had no pressing plans, not like he ever did these days, things being altogether too quiet for his tastes – but he would have liked a little warning. With his free hand he smoothed down Josie's soft dark hair with a paternal sort of air. He was caught in the act by two female scientists, and their giggles turned his smile into a glower. So what if he had a soft side for kids? That didn't mean he wanted to share it with the whole damn city.

He was good with kids, he was. Kids were straight forward - they said what they meant and meant what they said (assuming they could speak, of course). They were easy to talk to, didn't make assumptions, and were easily entertained. He wished this group he'd fallen in with were half as easy to understand.

Ronon had lived with them for years and been to their world, but he often suspected he was no closer to really understanding them then the day he had gotten involved with their lot. He also suspected they might feel the same about him. They understood each other as soldiers but fighting such a long war had given them time for little else.

Before Ronon had much more time to mull this over, his stomach gave an audible rumble. It was well past lunchtime.

"I don't know about you," Ronon said to the baby, "but I need food. Come on."

He hoisted her up against his shoulder once more as they headed toward the commissary. Josie immediately grabbed hold of his hair again.

Ronon glanced askance at her. "You are your father's daughter...pushy little man."

He sauntered through the corridors, ignoring everyone he passed and the curious looks he received. Just as he arrived at the entrance, he was met by Dr. Zelenka and Ford exiting. He nodded to both men and was greeted in return by a smile from Ford and a badly concealed snigger from Zelenka.

Ronon stopped walking and slowly turned to stare impassively at them. "What?"

"It looks like Josephine has found herself a teddy bear," Zelenka choked out.

Ford gave him a slightly alarmed look as Zelenka sniggered wildly. After watching the scientist writhe with badly contained hilarity, he clapped Zelenka on the shoulder with a shake of his head, wished the doctor the best of luck, and wandered away with an apologetic shrug at Ronon.

Ronon mused briefly that the young major really had learned a lot while being on the run from both the Lanteans and the Wraith. He glanced at Josie who still had a firm grip on one dreadlock and was now using it as a teething toy. He raised an eyebrow at her; she giggled but didn't let go of her new toy.

Zelenka erupted in laughter but quickly broke off when Ronon extracted the baby and deposited her in the scientist's arms.

"Good luck," the Satedan rumbled and disappeared into the commissary, leaving a sputtering Czech in his wake.

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A/N2: Sorry this was so long in coming...real life - can't live with it...well, you can, unless, you know, you don't, which would be bad...anywho, Zelenka is up next. 


	5. Scrambling

"I am sorry, Dr. Zelenka," Teyla said, looking truly apologetic. It didn't make Radek feel any better about being stuck with Rodney's child. "I would like to help you, but I cannot take her."

"Just for awhile?" Radek begged.

Teyla pushed John's hair off his forehead as he snoozed peacefully before turning her sympathetic smile on Radek. "I wish I could, but you know how John is when he is medicated." She made a face. "He has already tried to leave twice."

"I see he is going for a record."

"So it would seem."

Radek did know all too well that Colonel Sheppard was notorious about trying to escape the infirmary when he was loopy on pain medication. Dr. Beckett had made it a rule that the colonel had to have someone watching him to make sure he didn't injure himself at such times. The job had most often fallen to Teyla or a disgruntled Rodney; Carson's staff were always too busy to watch him.

"Is there someone else who might take her?" Radek prompted.

Teyla shook her head. "Dr. Beckett and Dr. Hernandez are in surgery, and the nurses are with patients."

"Even Rebecca?"

Teyla pointed to one end where Carson's head nurse, Rebecca Jansen was bandaging a burn.

"What about Natasha?"

"In surgery."

"Morgan?"

"Radek," Teyla said patiently, "they are all otherwise occupied."

"What about those not on duty?"

"You may certainly try." Teyla's tone made it clear that while he could try, it certainly wasn't advisible.

Radek sighed and took hold of the baby carrier. He wandered out, contemplating his next move.

Most of the scientists were still immersed in the zmatek down in the labs. Somehow the pysicists and the engineers had joined in the skirmish although it had nothing to do with them. There were two things scientists seemed unable to resist - free food and in-fighting. Radek always figured it could be traced back to their graduate school days. He was torn over which was the lesser of two evils - the confrontation in the labs or watching Josephine. They both could result in the loss of extremities. Those smart enough to stay out of the fight would be harder to find than an igloo in a snow storm. So the scientists were out.

He would never be able to convince one of the soldiers to help him. And if Rodney found out, well, they'd be lucky if they found enough pieces of Radek's body to have a proper funeral. John, Marc Lorne, and Ford were the only ones he trusted...Ford!

Radek started off as quick as he could without jostling the carrier too much.

He keyed his ear piece as he walked. "Lt. Van Ryn?"

"_Yes, Dr. Zelenka?_" the young woman responded.

"Have you seen Major Ford?"

"_He's in the control room, sir_."

"Thank you, Lieutenant." He immediately headed toward the nearest transporter.

"_He's not going to be happy with you, sir_."

"What was that, Lieutenant? You are breaking up."

The young woman's voice came through loud and clear. "_You're a riot, sir_."

Zelenka smirked and stepped into the transporter. Once the doors slid open again, he made his way up to the control room.

Ford was indeed there, discussing something with Chuck, the technician on duty.

"Major Ford!" Radek exclaimed as soon as he saw the young man.

"Uh-uh," Ford said, backing up a bit and pointing a warning finger at him. "You got yourself into this mess. Besides, I have things to do. Sheppard's out of commission and Lorne's off-world - that largely leaves me to deal with military matters."

"But I too have things to do," Radek protested. He sounded desperate even to his own ears, but this was _not_ in his job description.

Ford's face (not so young as it had once appeared) took on a stern, hard look. "Then maybe you should have thought of that earlier. It's not my problem."

Radek looked to Chuck for support.

The technician held up his hands in helplessness. "I'm on duty. And, you don't even know my last name."

Radek nearly cried out in frustration. He suddenly felt a surge of sympathy for single parents everywhere. Who knew it was so hard to find a competent person to watch a child?

Radek stomped out into the nearest corridor and took a seat against a wall.

Josie gazed up at him with her remarkably blue eyes.

"No, no. There will be none of that," he warned.

The baby's lower lip moved out a fraction of an inch.

"Now don't try to go cute on me."

But it was too late. Those blue eyes welled up and flowed over and a little pink mouth opened wide in a silent cry.

Radek quickly lifted her out of her carrier and held her against his chest. "No, shh, shh, shh," he murmured. " It is all right. Je to dobre. I am not mad at you. Your father, yes, but not you. You're okay, nothing wrong."

After a little while Josie calmed down. Radek slowly stood up, the baby still in his arms.

"Aw, Radek!" a woman's voice down the hall cooed. Laura Cadman came towards him accompanied by General Caldwell. She smiled, and said in a voice much sweeter than her usual tone, "Hi, Josie. You're just being passed around today, aren't you? Yes, you are; yes, you are."

"Where is everyone?" Caldwell asked. "The hallways are nearly empty."

"Chaos among the scientists, Dr. Weir is off-world with Lorne and his team, and Colonel Sheppard is…away."

"Away?" Caldwell repeated.

"Far away. In a world all his own."

"Please tell me that that was a figure of speech and not an announcement that Sheppard has got his own planet."

Zelenka bounced Josie a little. He didn't really know if that was the right thing to do but he'd seen others doing it. He hoped it was safe. "No, not literal. He is on pain medication for a knee injury."

"Self-inflicted?"

"No."

"You're not going to tell me how he did it, are you?"

"No."

Caldwell humphed irritably, but Radek was distracted by a tinny voice in his ear.

"_Dr. Zelenka?_"

"Yes?"

"_It's Dr. Girard._ _We need you down in the chemistry labs. Now_. _There's been une petite accidente. _" In the background, Radek could hear loud arguing. There was an enraged scream and a loud crash. Dr. Girard's voice grew distant as he yelled: "_No, don't. Mon dieu! Put that down, doctor, maintenant!"_

The radio clicked off.

"I must go," said Radek and handed Josie to General Caldwell.

He was four strides from the door before his brain switched into reverse and replayed what he had just done. He slowly turned around, eyes wide.

Caldwell was holding Josie out at arms length, watching her through narrowed eyes as though he expected her to pull something over on him. Radek could almost hear the words "Make my day, punk" pass through Caldwell's head.

But General Caldwell's expression suddenly relaxed into paternal fondness. He placed a gentle kiss on one of Josie's cheeks then calmly handed her to Lt. Cadman. As he strode away, he called over his shoulder, "I want Sheppard to contact me the moment he's no longer doped up."

Cadman settled Josie more comfortably in her arms. "Whew, that was close."

Radek realized he was still gaping when Laura waved a hand at him. "Go on. I've got her."

"Mockrat dekuji. Thank you, thank you," Radek enthused and ran for the door before Laura could change her mind.

It wasn't until he entered the labs and saw the complete mayhem that he realized what he thought as his lucky break wasn't so lucky at all.

**TBC** - _Laura Cadman's up next!_

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Czech translations (If I mangled these, I apologize): 

_zmatek_: chaos

_Je to dobre_: It is all right

_Mockrat dekuji: _Thank you very much


End file.
